| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

10:27 p.m. - 2006-08-09

Unwinnable

The urge/need to self-harm is a troublesome thing. It's not something I particularly want to be all prima-donna about it, and I rarely mention it at all. In fact, in a rather obvious and pleasing trend, as my life has become ever more enjoyable & fulfilling, the desire to self-harm has reduced significantly. What used to be a daily or weekly occurance is now a few times a year, at most. Which is part of why it is so worrying that as I sat in a tangled mess of argument, having given up trying to extract myself from it, I rummaged a scalpel out of my bed-side drawer and drew parallel red lines across my knee. Mopped it all up with an alcohol wipe- without missing a beat in conversation- dropped the blade in a sharps container, and probably surprised my lover with my sudden eagerness to be pliant and agreeable.

I doubt my lover will notice the marks, and I am clumsy enough to explain them away as a (startlingly symmetrical) graze. I'm just a little concerned at the clear instance of using self-harm as a way of distracting myself from a frustrating, stubborn, unwinnable argument, both because I wonder what causes my lover to inspire such frustration in me, and I wonder why that seemed like the appropriate outlet.

- |+

[New Years 08-09, part 1] - 2009-01-05

[The strange shape of things, right now.] - 2008-07-01

[Post-mortem] - 2007-12-22

[My life. For real.] - 2007-11-26

[Full moon] - 2007-09-27