| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

11:58 a.m. - 2005-05-27

Late Spring

I went on a date with a boy last night. A real, live, boy. That hasn't happened in a long time. It was actually a wonderful date. Long, convoluted conversations about politics and ethics make me happy. He's transgendered and very handsome, nice suit, pinstriped shirt, septum piercing. I do hope I get to see him again.

Other than that, have been rampantly slutting around with women the past few weeks and it's been marvellous. It's not often that sexual bounty is available in my life, and I'm perfectly happy to take advantage of it while it's here. I wonder about where all these beginnings might lead and I have quiet optimism that it will be some place good. I am getting better and better at representing myself as how I am, which sounds like a dumb statement I guess but means: when I meet someone, and I'm drawn them, I try to fill myself in as I perceive they want me to be. This becomes stressful very quickly. Not that I am now in all-exposition mode, but the flirtatious 'character' I take on resembles the broad strokes of me very closely. So that if these beginning dynamics with people do progress to something deeper, I am not left trying to justify the sudden change in temperament.

What I am right now is a sexually submissive girl, an eager-to-please kink bottom, an excitable and delightable creature. As an email from a much older woman said to me: "you are a fluffy full moon kiss bug!". I like that my excitement is infectious to other people.

Calls back home are comforting in a way. I spoke for hours last night to the boy (butch woman) who was playing me like a marionette before I left. With distance comes perspective and all that. He starts the conversation low and monotonous, tells me he has been depressed. Deep sighs. He doesn't sound well. And by the end of the conversation he is all delight and teasing, growling and shouting at me down the phone line, the vibrant, Dominant personality I am so drawn to in him. And I don't want to sound arrogant, but I know that it's me that does that to him. It was because we spoke that he lit up with delight. He might never admit it (he does not take instruction well, and needs to draw his own conclusions) but I cheer him up and entertain him.

It's been so long now, this drawn-out friendship/sexual connection/flirtation/courtship. I wonder if I've gone away to get over the petty hurts that made 'us' impossible last year. It seems too easy, too simple to imagine that I will go home and we will get together for real this time. But the reason I have optimism is because in between the smiles, the gladness at our connection, I really do not care so much. It's OK if it doesn't happen. And not caring (or at least not growing obsessive and self-destructive over) is the first step in not sabotaging important relationships.

- |+

[Full moon] - 2007-09-27

[Unwinnable] - 2006-08-09

[Sydney Grrl] - 2006-07-16

[travelgirl] - 2006-02-20

[and then] - 2005-07-11