| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

5:05 p.m. - 2005-01-20

Dirty

In his blog the boy calls me Dirty. He started a blog for me but wouldn't tell me where it was until I went away. I am supposed to be growing away from him in this time. Maturing to the point of not needing him. No doubt it will happen. But I sensed before I left that suddenly he had a desperation- a concern- he told me once in a late conversation that if I wasn't going, perhaps we would be the thing we have never (in 18 months) been. A couple. A relationship. Maybe. He keeps giving me all the reasons why it would never have worked. On the night before I left he stayed with me all night and told me bed-time stories.

Perhaps there are several endings to this story. Perhaps he needs me to not need him, in order for him to feel safe with me. Perhaps that's what I'm supposed to be doing. He cried and cried in the days before I left for the loss of me. I mean far more to him than he will admit.

The birds here are different. Small and brown ones instead of sea gulls everywhere. I saw a squirrel today. They're little, and cute, and they hop and bound. Cuteness. This one sat up on its back legs to groom its grey belly. Stared at us through the window with a white-ringed black eye. My housemate finds my fascination hilarious. As though to not have squirrels in a city is a sign of grotesque backwardness.

I have a date tomorrow. The boy I am going on a date with (I am not sure yet if he prefers male or female pronouns, so male for now) wants sex out of it, sex and play. I am open to the possibility of both of those things but right now I want friends much more. Kinky, queer, pervert friends like my happy family back home. I don't want to meet someone who will keep me for sex away from the rest of their life but demand enough time of me that I am not actively seeking other options. I know what that feels like. I don't want it. I will be on my guard around this boy.

Or else perhaps it will be all things lovely, and I will feel validated and appreciated and give the same back. Who knows?

- |+

[Late Spring] - 2005-05-27

[Pop] - 2005-04-08

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31