| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

7:07 p.m. - 2004-11-04

Dramatised

Tearful fights with an ex-lover who I never imagined would inspire such drama in me. It was all so close to being just okay and no biggie. But, anyway. I try to keep it down as much as possible. I’m more frustrated at being thrown into this situation, angry at having such things proven to me. And so flabbergasted that a grown, sane human being could be angry with me because I am not understanding her pain. Her pain, mind you, that is caused by the fact that her (ex-lover)’s close friend (other woman) will not sleep with her, on account of friendship with (ex-lover). She ends things with me (me being the ex-lover) because she is so frustrated over (other woman)’s rejection. She calls me over and over again, presses me for my reaction. Finally I spill it to her: yes, bitter, yes, bile, yes, defensive hurt. She hangs up on me.

Three days later I speak to her briefly and tell her, it’s okay, I’m not going to yell anymore, the drama’s over. And she gets angry with me for not taking into consideration her pain, the drama she is feeling, because my friend will not have sex with her.

But anyway. I am not upset because I’m hung up on her- I suppose I just don’t like to admit to a bad ending. I don’t want to leave it. But I need to. It’s upsetting me beyond all reason, and distracting me from good things.

Good things? Developing friendship with sexy older butch qualifies, I suppose. But friendship unfortunately seems to be where it’s stalled. Not that there is anything wrong with new friendship, but hot sex would be nice too, I suppose. Also, the travelling thing- this body is going places! Overseas-like, and away. Away from all of this for a while. It is universally acknowledged that it will be A Good Thing. Sure, it would be nice to go away and be missed, but that isn’t going to happen. I’m going to go away and people will nod wisely and say “yes, it’s for the best, she needed go away for a while”. And six months later it will be expected that all is healed. No more drama. Right?

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18