| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

6:04 p.m. - 2004-10-21

Stream of consciousness

I had little pieces of hope for that boy and I. Little pieces of thinking that maybe, maybe it could be alright. It wasn't of course, in the end. Again I wonder at my need to feel that something is okay, when it clearly isn't.

It seems that it all fell apart at the moment that she met a friend of mine, and they sparked for each other. Lust, interest, fascination. I knew this. Knew the interest they had in one another. And what was I supposed to do? Encourage them to get together, although it would bother me? Hide my hurt, or be honest and show it for all to see?

I feel like we were struggling on from that moment, that they met, that from then it was inevitable. That whether they got together or not, the boy and I would end, because this girl plays so heavily on his mind that he is no longer at all comfortable with me. It sounded almost as though what he was saying to me was, "I am so frustrated about things not working out between your friend and I, that you and I can no longer see each other".

So I think about it, do the mental maths, and report it back. Currently, all three of us are unhappy: me because I can't have the boy dyke, the boy dyke because he doesn't have my friend, the friend because she doesn't have the boy dyke. As far as I can tell in all this, it is me standing in the way, or their professed concern for me. They do not want to hurt my feelings by getting together.

But my feelings are already hurt. It is already clear that my friend is more attractive and compelling to the boy dyke than I am, and what blow could possibly be harsher than that? If they get together the toll will look thus: The boy dyke will be happy, the friend will be happy, I will be unhappy. And that seems like an awful lot more happiness than anyone is currently experiencing.

Yes, it will piss me off. Of course it will. It will probably make me cry, which I have so far avoided doing. But I'm already pissed off and hurt. And it doesn't help, feeling like the world's least appealling road block. Without my ever asking them to, they have backed off from each other (all nobility and concern I'm sure) for me. Which casts me as the stumbling block, me as the obstacle that is stopping their beautiful affair from blossoming. And- well- since I don't have the boy dyke anyway, and it's unlikely my friendship with the other girl is going to survive this however it turns out, I wish they would just take that artificial guilt off my shoulders, get together, let me be duly angry about the whole situation and then move on.

They are doing me no favours by casting themselves as saints, glorifying themselves through abstinence. There is no logical way I ought to be coming out of this situation feeling guilty, but it seems they have found a way. I will not allow it.

- |+

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[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18