| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

5:55 p.m. - 2004-10-21

She's unimpressed.

Lust trumps friendship. That's the way it is. It's physics. After the third or fourth time it happens to you, you learn. Like learning not to walk under the powerlines when they're heavy with pigeons, you learn. And when things start to suck that way, you learn to dash. Run for cover. And never stand in the way.

Sometimes if you try really hard- if you swallow your pride, suffocate your hurt, paste a smile on your face- you can get the friendship back. It's hard work. It's your hard work. It's all up hill and you will have no help. But in order to keep going, in order for the world to continue to make sense, you do it. You fight for it. In the ashes of whatever meteorite tore through, you salvage friendship. Because it's what people do.

But at that moment, the first time, lust trumped friendship. Showed you where you stand. And when your hands are covered in ashes and you're trying to be a supportive friend- very often, to the same person who put you here originally- you will remember that. Lust trumped friendship. You remember where you stood that time, how lust shone light onto this friendship and showed you exactly where you stood. You swallow that down with the rest, stretch the smile a little wider, and hold your hands out. The janitor's job of making it all better, like mothers, like sisters. Soothing guilt and ripped smugness. This, you remember, is why you have friends.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18