| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

2:39 p.m. - 2004-08-19

Strangeness afoot

Something very strange is happening. Or at least, I hope I can talk of it as being in progress rather than something that happened only once. I'm optimistic.

There is a woman, one of the three ex-lovers I seemed to be required to re-live after breaking up with Daddy. She didn't appear on the scene until things with the bartender were cooling off substantially, but she has been back on the stage of my love life for, perhaps, a month? Six weeks? Something like that. We haven't had sex at all in this new incarnation of our involvement, but there have been opportunities aplenty to do so. I just haven't wanted to. We see each other once a week or a little less, out usually. We talk and joke and laugh and over the course of the seeing each other, we begin to touch a little, modify our body language to lean inwards together. She is very possessive of me- if I'm on a date with her, I am on a date with her, and that is it, and she is my company for the night, and my venturing afield for more than a few moments is considered a rude interruption. I'm quite comfortable with all of that because we just don't see each other enough for it to feel suffocating.

Initially I felt rather unchallenged by her, that there wasn't enough about her that appealed so strongly that I would get in over my head. When she kissed me, as she did often, the style wasn't my absolute favourite and she had no inclination to adapt. We disagree about almost everything, end every date with a kiss and a 'goodnight', and I'm never really sure if she'll actually call again, or if I care very much.

Except that something strange is happening. Three dates ago, she kissed me, and something happened. Something? I don't know. But she broke away from me, stumbled halfway across the room, and couldn't look at me for a long minute. Came back with a sheepish half-grin and said, "Wow". Two dates ago she didn't kiss me until it was time to part, and when she did, my knees got so shaky that walking home in heels was a difficult exercise. I could feel her on my lips and in my skin for days. And last night, on our most recent date, she kissed me, and I kissed her back, and in a very odd way it felt like the entire world blacked out. I couldn't hear the crowd or the music at the pub we were at, I forgot I was perched atop a bar stool, I forgot that I had agreed to walk a friend of mine home soon afterwards. It went on and on and on. When we finally broke to breathe I was staring at her, and she was staring at me, and I couldn't look away. Although all we'd done was kiss, and kissing is very common between women at that pub, and I myself have kissed women at that pub before, it felt- dirtier. More sexual. Deeply inappropriate. Like something much less acceptable had just taken place than a simple kiss.

I thought about saying all that to her, wondering if she'd felt anything like it, but before I could gather my senses enough, she said: "Why is it that kissing you is so crazy intense? I know we just kissed, but I feel like… we just fucked on the bar stool or something". She took a deep breath, and laughed, and said: "I think they call that mental orgasm".

After that first kiss of the evening we stayed much later than we should have, and kissed a few more times, and each time it was stronger, and more hallucinatory, and altogether very strange. I couldn’t talk to anyone else in the pub because, except for her, I was completely speechless (it takes a lot to leave me speechless). She brought my to my door this time, and our goodnight kiss shook even her usually perfect composure. I could see her shaking as she turned to go.

I wonder if it's something as simple as abstaining from release through sex? Combined perhaps with the increasing rapport with each other, where the disagreements are melting away one by one to articulate discussion. I don't know, but whatever it is, I like it a lot. I've never felt so shaken by something so simple, and yet so completely in control. I'm not afraid of her at all.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18