| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

12:18 a.m. - 2004-08-13

Winter fades

I've been more into myself lately. Inwards focused. I don’t feel like I've been sitting around solving my own problems, though- just spending time alone, doing domestic things. I think it's a good thing. I've never been very good at self-reliance and this seems to be a genuine inclination towards it. Traditionally I have been fiercely independent but also required large amounts of constant social interaction. Now, not so much. I'm taking time. To cook. Potter round the house and clean. Sit on the sofa and sew (I've been sewing!). Nesting, perhaps. I'm learning that the people I rely on are not safe for that. If I can't rely on myself then I can't trust to be around them. I'm controlling the amount of time I spend with anybody. I don't want to take for granted.

People are continually confusing. I suppose I'm trying to take the urgency out of it, so that people's inconsistencies and strange behaviour do not impact on me as much. I feel like I live so much at the mercy of how women decide to treat me. Much though I try not to. It's not something you can fight on a single front. If I don't have a comfortable self to turn to, there's no point trying to avoid relying on lovers and flirtations to fill my time and emotional energy.

The bartender rates high on the list of confusing people- hasn't she always? She has company. At least it's more than one woman unknowingly conspiring to send me screaming into celibacy. That makes it all the more interesting, right?

I'm either typecast as the tragic follower or the merciful saviour. Neither role suits me well. But for some reason I'd rather be the under-appreciated groupie than the depended-upon salvation figure. People should not give up drug addictions because of things I have said to them. At least, they shouldn't tell me about it, and make me feel like I have to keep up the stream of wise and encouraging words. I am not your fucking life coach.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18