| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

10:49 p.m. - 2004-08-03

hot comfort

A woman said to me on the phone tonight: "you're very random, aren't you?" I don't know what it means to be 'random'. It seems like a non-statement, but one I identify with nonetheless. I think she was specifically referring to my liking of unexpected, unplanned moments with varieties of people- the way my intense moments are unpredictable and often out of context. For example, the amazing belting from the femme Amazon and her Daddy butch. Which I have been thinking of all day, every time I sit down and disturb the bruises.

I think I'm comfortable with my life being all about women, all the time. I have yet to discover anything remotely as interesting or entertaining (computers, clubbing and drugs are all very distant runners-up). Work and uni, the other two time-sinks in my life, aren't even close to being things I'd think about in preference to women. I mean- does anyone in the world find their professional life more interesting than their social/physical/sex life? I'm genuinely curious.

I had a lovely evening of hanging out with a friend tonight. Sometimes I find with different people that I will be seeing them again as though I hadn't seen them almost every day for four years. She looks so beautiful to me, suddenly, in a way that I didn't register last week. My beautiful friend. She was talking to me about a woman we used to know, long ago, when we were highschool girls and shared our giggling, awkward coming-out.

It brought back this memory: of the first time… what is the word? The feeling? I held this woman in my arms and we were spinning and dancing, and I had done things such as kissing and stroking with her but, this was different- this was not a logic problem to be solved or a theory to be tested (which girls often were to me, for far too long). I looked at her in my arms, something about the light catching off her eyes and the way her cheeks curled up and her breasts in her strappy top- It made my heart pound, and my skin tighten, and suddenly my hands clenched around her hips. My stomach lurched like waking up from a falling dream and I laughed, incredulous. I remember it so clearly. I think it may have been the first time I felt a direct, involuntary physical response to the presence of someone. And it was this woman. Who I hear a little of, every now and then. I wish her well. I wonder if she knew how much she seduced me, how completely? At least for a little while. I was seventeen.

I am aware that I am a person of strong statements. I rarely mean them that way. The more firmly I state something, the more I am probably experimenting with it, testing it against reality. I'm becoming more aware of that, trying not to do it so often. I forget that people often take what I say as some kind of absolute truth. With me, at least, this is clearly not the case. I like to be absolutely many things at many different times and I find them not at all contradictory.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18