| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

12:56 a.m. - 2004-07-31

I dream badly

What a horrible week. Sunday night was low-key awful, and it got worse from there. The single highlight has been the slow re-consideration of a woman. I do not set out to make women the thing that creates my significant moments, I swear. It just happens.

The bartender and I officially ended today. I expected as much; there was only an ending because I requested one. I am so used to having people simply decide without alerting me that they no longer wish to be in an interaction with me. I know the drill. I performed my part perfectly. One day the roles won't be so simple to act out... I have to hope that.

Work has been so bad it just doesn't bear thinking or writing about. Finding a new job is the obvious solution but fear stands in the way. Who will employ me? I know I'm good at many things but as my real skill base increases my confidence in selling myself decreases. Argh. Random noises of frustration and anger have been the vocabulary of my week.

I got incredibly drunk on wednesday night with the woman who is being reconsidered; I am coming to wonder, which matters more? A direct physical connection, or the ability to hold a conversation? We converse incredibly well together, and she is nice to look at, but little about her makes me want to touch her. I'm getting pickier, I can tell. My categories are refining themselves. But also, my need to connect mentally with people is overriding other things right now. One of the reasons I am not sad to lose the bartender (so physically compelling, and that is all). This woman, the one I am pondering right now, has sat and listened to my most impassioned rants and genuinely admitted to re-thinking things because of what I've said. The reality of words being able to change thoughts and lives is so intoxicating and so foreign. I forget that I live politics and I consign myself to the aesthetic, sceney, dancing-girl margins. What if I could have both? It's a powerful daydream.

I'm drunk and stream-of-consciousness. You may have noticed. I said 'no' to a night out tonight and instead got myself cheaply drunk in a living room, then walked home. I needed people and in a mood like mine I'll take anyone. People, new people and people reconsidered, are all that's saving me right now from the worst and most uninteresting kind of misery.

If it doesn't get better from here, I will be writing such angst as you just don't want to be reading. So give me love, people, and hope for the best.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18