| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

1:43 a.m. - 2004-07-20

about face

The thing with having a powerful, totally unrequited, totally hopeless and torturous crush on someone you have to see all the time is that it makes all the other emotional turmoil in your life positively trivial. So rather than enraged and heartbroken I am confused and annoyed by my interactions of late with the bartender.

At first I was beating myself up about her responses to me, thinking about how boring she must find me, how unattractive I must be to her, how I must be the least appealing thing in her life since late-night infomercials. But, no. It's not like that. Much though I struggle to resist the conclusion (it is far easier to blame dysfunction on myself than on her; I've been trained into self-blame through many an emotionally manipulative break-up), it seems that actually it is she who is boring. Her disinterest in me, but unwillingness to push me away, is a fault that lies with her, not with me. The only fault I can find in myself is how difficult it is to walk away. I'm a sucker for good looks, strong hands, nice shoulders (we've proven this time and time again), so I forgive a lot more than I should. And I turn the awkwardness and tension around and make it something that's my fault.

I have to stop, though. Not in a big, tantrum throwing, dramatic way… I just have to stop. I have to stop just taking it when she makes me feel boring, stupid, unattractive and foolish. I think that means I have to stop hanging out with her altogether.

We'll see how strong my will is in this. It will be hard to convince myself to be alone when there is even a shred of possibility of interest from her direction, but… I have to try. Or I'm going to be this sad, angry, frustrated child forever struggling to inspire interest and engagement in the disinterested and totally disengaged.

At a party last night (I walked there through icy, heavy winds that uprooted a tree in my path) a woman said: "But you've been broken up for two months now, how do you not have a new girl yet? I would've thought you'd be snapped right up". I almost doubled over laughing. What a complete and utter joke, right? Still, the party was pleasant, full of pot and speed and crazy people with European accents. I stayed awake too late, spent the night in the woman's bed (no sex, because I didn't want to). She's an interesting one. Sharp and cynical and nice to look at from the outside, but scarily thin if you touch her. I don't deal with thin people very well. We had breakfast together with her ex-partner (the first time in six months I've seen her eat something). That was nice.

I dressed in drag for the first time on Saturday night. Apparently I make a good-looking boy.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18