| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

8:12 a.m. - 2004-07-10

calm down

Tired and a little bit sad and a little bit relieved; it's always the way at the end of a big thing. And this does feel like the end. This is the third time I've been to this conference and I suspect it may be my last. At least, my last for a long time. How strange to feel like I've outgrown it. I feel like my politics have outgrown it. I feel like my need to validate myself at a week-long ensemble of queers has outgrown itself. But it's been a good week.

I ran two workshops, which made me incredibly nervous, but by all accounts they went well. I sold many, many copies of my most recent zine, which kept me in beer and kebabs for most of the week. I cried uncontrollably on Wednesday night about things I can't change. I spent Thursday breaking out and spending time with completely different people.

On Tuesday night I taught my ex-girlfriend how to dance without moving her feet. She's recovered from her stroke remarkably well, but was too self-conscious still to get up on the dance floor. I danced stupidly, laughing, to give her the confidence to try it out, and it worked. She got up and bopped with me, laughing and joking about our silly dance moves (feet placed firmly on the ground). That was such a rewarding feeling.

On Thursday night I had long, intense conversations about BDSM and role play with a group of women in a beer garden. Late in the evening it became apparent that one of them found me quite rather attractive and was trying to pick me up. It was lovely. She was cute, my age (for a change!) and had incredibly nice breasts. I can be so superficial sometimes... we ran around holding hands, we danced a lot, we kissed up against walls... but that was it. I didn't feel like having bad, backpacker hostel conference sex. Which was a nice thing to realise. We went our pleasant, separate ways.

Tonight (last night? It is morning and I am still awake) was fun. We went and we danced really well to really bad pop. I chattered to lots of people I hadn't got round to talking to during conference. I got a lot of comments on my outfit. That's always gratifying.

Not sure how or what things are with the bartender at this point; it feels like a long time to have been away and not see her face. She's difficult to communicate with on the telephone.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18