| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

12:18 a.m. - 2004-07-06

Access on a dodgy internet cafe computer

The city I'm in is so much warmer than the city I come from. I want an upgrade! Unfortunately it's also tiny, and has little to no queer scene, which would make it difficult for me to consider living here. Unless I got married and settled down for that twenty years of lesbian mortgage-paying child-rearing monogamy I'm certain is looming somewhere in my future. Oddly, in all of a queer conference, the only person I've really been enjoying flirting and hanging out with has been my ex-girlfriend. She of the beautiful blue eyes who was very ill a few months ago. She's doing much better, is fully mobile with a walking stick, and is being distinctly friendly with me. Friendlier than I remember her being when we were dating (almost two years ago, when I was a mess of in-love nineteen year old lesbianism). I can remember why I was so hopelessly in love with her. It's nice coming back to a point where that causes me no tension or discomfort at all. We talked about fisting, and genital piercings, and our trans friends, and things like that. We have a lot in common. More than we did when she was my girlfriend.

I'm sharing a room with my cute dyke boss and her girlfriend. It's difficult. I've spent a year never looking at them when they're expressing affection for each other, and it works because I generally avoid seeing them togehter. But that's not working so much, what with us sharing a room and being at the same conference. Tension wells. It seems so unlikely that I am so very much stuck in the middle of a long-term crush on a woman dating my friend. It just seems... like a really odd plot twist sometimes. Like, shouldn't something have happened by now? Like I declare my love and then never see either of them again, or something? It feels ongoingly strange to feel the same way every time I look at her, and to have, in an entire year, done nothing at all about it. Is this really how people live?

I'm living hand-to-mouth. I have no money except what I'm earning selling my zines. It's going unexpectedly well. People seem to like my writing.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18