| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

11:53 p.m. - 2004-06-29

past tense

I was talking to a friend tonight about my total inability so far to start writing my presentation for the conference I'm presenting at. It's next week. "Don't worry," she said, "you'll have no trouble bullshitting your way through".

She's absolutely right.

If I was born with one magical ability, bullshit was it. I have bullshitted my way out of a lifetime of bus and train fares, late assignments, class presentations that never got written at all because I made them up on the spot and one million and one late excuses perfected in early high school. It's the gift of talking oneself out of the worst situations so that the alternatives look positively bright. I think I must have inherited bullshit off my father. He's the only person I've ever met who can outdo me on the earnestly convincing bullshit stakes.

But, I started writing it. The presentation, that is. I'm scared- it's very personal, and it's hugely arrogant I think to be standing up in front of a group of people and saying, "So, this is what I think about this. And you have to listen to me, because I'm running the show". I have to get over that and actually convince myself that what I'm saying has merit.

I would like to get the presentation written because hey, the conference itself should be a good lot of fun if I can remain unstressed. It has proven to be fun in the past, at least. Last year wasn't so crash hot- lots of trauma around my life then- but the year before was a blast.

Oh goodness, it's so easy to get lost in the archives of my own self. Am I the only person in the world who finds me a hypnotic writer? It seems so odd that this is all two years ago and more, that I've been keeping this diary for so very long. At some point I forgot to keep on adding up the achievements.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18