| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

9:34 p.m. - 2004-06-25

shiny disco... toys.

Apparently I am both overdramatic and give myself too much credit for understanding. The firefighter and I had dinner; it was friendly and polite but vaguely irritating. I found myself sitting there thinking, "You've been bitching about the same elements of your job since I met you. Is that the most interesting thing you can come up with?" Which is horribly harsh I know, but it effectively quenched any of those lonely flames I might have been feeling in her direction. So much about her is so wonderful, and so much is so grindingly irritating. I'm sure it's the same with all people, but she's the first I've kept around for long enough to find out.

Stress levels high. Performance tomorrow night. I deeply wish I could control everything with an iron fist of tightly-timetabled fascism, but the performers are rebelling. They feel I have scheduled too much time for dressing and make-up, and they would rather be socialising with their friends for a few hours while not in costume. Which is fine, except that I can't see being able to do detailed body paint in a variety of colours on three people in the one hour they have allowed. Let alone the near-inevitability of some vital part of someone's costume breaking. It drives me crazy that they are so blasé about this. It drives them crazy that I am over-scheduling and doubt their ability to dress quickly. And also, to not turn up to the dressing room drunk after three hours socialising with the rest of the party.

One of the things I like about my job is that I get to play with other people's shiny, expensive toys that I would never be able to afford. Often these people break their shiny, expensive toys so I get to spend even more time playing with them. There was some of that this morning. Sometimes I'm not sure whether to caress the shiny expensive toy lovingly, or break it over the head of the moron who wants it (and me) to do the blindingly impossible.

I have been playing secretary for the bartender all week, on top of working my own job and rehearsing every night. I am assured there will be rewards for this behaviour. With that in mind, I am going to shower and prepare myself to be in a proper state for rewards to be administered.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18