| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

12:54 p.m. - 2004-06-20

tearful

I get tearful quite often when I'm reading or writing about my deeper-felt fetishes and fantasies. The crying feels similar, sort of, to bursting into tears mid-intense-orgasm or during a pain+domination scene. Surprise surprise, the fantasy I'm writing about when the tears come will either be ponygirl or Daddy's girl. They are not the only two fantasies I read and write, of course- I've been following a crossover Daddy's girl/schoolgirl scenario lately. But those two, well, they are the ones that get me wherever that place is deep inside where these fantasies live.

So many, in fact I should say all, of my fetishist friends are so much older than me; I have BDSM friends my age but the role play and fetish afficionadoes are all ten years or more my senior. Considering how closely linked admitting and talking about formulating my submissive role play/fetish fantasies are to my constant feeling of "growing up" I wonder if it's good, or bad, or neutral, to be examining them so early. What if this is it? What if I get my pony gear together and within the first few training scenes I discover that it is indeed everything I ever dreamed it would be, and then there's nothing else? Nowhere else to go?

Stupid, stupid brain. That is of course impossible. I should trust myself and the people around me to constantly come up with new and challenging ways to be.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18