| now is | once was | came from | heard tell |

3:45 p.m. - 2004-06-03

six seconds

I am realising lately that I deliberately date women who don't challenge me (you would think this would have occurred to me earlier). I am surrounded by incredibly attractive, intelligent, challenging women who I am in varying amounts quite in love with, but all of them are for some reason inaccessible. So I put large amounts of effort into dating people who are merely adequate. I don't know why this seems like a good idea.

The relationships are good, they're fine. They keep me occupied and give me something to think about that isn't how much I want what I don't have.

I almost burst into tears today in the greasy hamburger shop near my work, thinking about how [in love is such a dangerous term] I am with my co-worker and how stupid a position this puts me in. It cycles, how aware of it I am, but the sight of her has been sending my pulse racing for over a year now. The friendship we are attempting to develop keeps getting swamped by my nervous chatter about all the average women I'm dating who aren't her. I wonder if perhaps I'm trying to sabotage myself, make myself seem younger and even stupider than I am just to make it easier to stay away from her. If I destroy all of her respect for me, then the tension will just go away! Just like that! I'm sure of it...

On days like this I feel like I never made it beyond fifteen years old and the best course of action would be to just shut myself in a bathroom and cry for a very long time. Because you know, that would get me so much closer to the point where I am able to date one of these amazing (out of reach) creatures. I have been in love with the desperately inaccessible before. I know how to deal with it very, very badly but I would rather not fuck this up as much as I have fucked up previous occurrences. Obviously the best course of action is to do nothing.

The appeal of people like Daddy or the bar tender is so different to the appeal of the co-worker or the equally sexy Monroe-esque. And it's not about the butch-ness of the first two, it's about the ways and the reasons the attraction occurs. The first two are attracted to me because I am an appealing specimen of the equation of their sexual identities. The second two attract me because they are complicated, vividly intelligent, artistic, unique queers. What the two types bring out in me is so distinctly different, but I seem to permanently limit myself to responding to the first kind.

I don't know why but right now feels like the time I must make some decision or take some action on this. Is it not feasible to have both possibilities in my life? I am fully aware that the co-worker is not now and never will be available to me, but surely people who make me feel the same way she makes me feel will emerge as available at some point... one day? And meanwhile is there something inherently crippling about continuing down the path of dating much older butch women who find my youth and breasts far more interesting than they really are? Or is it a reasonable course to continue on in the search for good sex and ego enhancement?

Apparently, having convinced myself that sexual relationships are within my grasp, I must immediately impose unreasonable conditions on them so I will once more have some pitiful personal drama to whinge about. I need a hobby that does not include the contents of my own head. I spend far too much time in here and it obviously isn't good for me.

- |+

[Phone Home] - 2005-02-22

[She hurts, even from here, she hurts.] - 2005-02-11

[Two weeks and counting] - 2005-01-31

[Dirty] - 2005-01-20

[Here Now] - 2005-01-18